“I love you baby and I am so sorry.”

Those are the words Dad whispered in my ear as he gently hugged me and said goodbye. It wasn’t the type of goodbye you hear, it was the type of goodbye you feel. The goodbye where you know things will forever be different. It wasn’t said, but I knew.

We stood on the drive way at the front of his car. His company car. It was parked in the spot that was designated his at the house. The parking spot you could see from Crissie’s bedroom window. So many times in the past I had eagerly peeked out her window to see if Dad was home yet. If his car was in that exact spot.

This time was different. Dad’s engine was on and the car idled in the drive way. I could smell the exhaust.

The sun had already set. It was dusk. Not completely dark, but dim and getting dimmer. Similar to my heart that night. My 11 year old heart.

Mom and Crissie were standing at the back of the car. They had already each hugged Dad and said their good byes and I love you’s. Crissie, always so pretty her tears had stained her face and her eyes were swollen. Mom, all five feet of her standing tall. No tears, but her beautiful smile had vanished. Mom clutching one of her many Albueterol inhalers in her hand, prescribed for her severe asthma.

There we were. All 4 of us on the drive way. The Thruston family.

After Dad hugged Mom and Criss, he slowly walked towards me. My insides churned. I could feel the tears pushing to come out. I wouldn’t let the tears escape. They were on lock down. My cheeks hurt and my stomach froze. I silently promised myself “I will not cry and I will never feel this way again… never ever never.”

Dad was still in his work suit and wing tip shoes. My handsome Dad. 6 foot 3 inches tall. Me, I remember looking down at my new white slip on Van shoes. The ones Mom bought me for my first day in 7th grade. Dad gently hugged me and whispered “I love you baby and I’m so sorry.”

My arms were limp, hanging at my side, I couldn’t hug back but I mustered to say “I love you too.”

With that, Dad got into his car and slowly drove away…